I’ve done some gross things in my day.   Being a parent, it comes with the territory.  I’ve cleaned up my share of explosive diarrhea.  One time my son vomited a whole meal’s worth of chili.  From the top of a bunk bed.   It took me 2 days to get chili out of the carpet, off the walls and in the cracks and crevices of the bed.  Fun times.

But nothing–NOTHING–compared to a recent experience that I had with my dog.

I was just getting out of the shower when I heard my husband yelling, “Sherrelle, come quick!”   Thinking something was wrong with one of the kids, I ran downstairs in a towel where I was further summoned outside.  Throwing on a coat and my slippers I go out into the winter morning to see my son standing on the sidewalk holding our puppy, Chili Dawg.  And in his mouth is a dead squirrel.

Let’s stop for a minute and rewind.  Did you notice that my husband called me outside?  To take a dead squirrel out of my dog’s mouth while he watched from the porch?   And this is not the first time that I was asked to handle a dead squirrel.  When my dad removed a dead squirrel from our attic he handed it down to me in a trash bag, because he knows that my husband (who was standing right there) wasn’t going anywhere near it.

I’m not squeamish, but even I have my limits.  A dead squirrel in a trash bag is not the same as one hanging out of my dog’s mouth.  Oh, let me clarify: this wasn’t a dead squirrel (like from the attic); my dog had picked up squirrel road kill on his walk.   It was about 3/4 of a squirrel–minus the head–with blood and guts spilling out.  Yeah.

I actually tried to find photo online to accompany this story and there were many to choose from.  For some disturbing reason people take photos of squirrel road kill.   But I couldn’t bring myself to use a photo…my stomach turned just looking at the Google images.  I don’t believe that I will ever look at a squirrel the same again.

As disgusting as it was–AND IT WAS DISGUSTING–what choice did I have?  My kids couldn’t do it and my husband wasn’t going to do it.  My dog’s health depended upon me removing the squirrel from his mouth.  Which was not going to be easy, I could tell.  He had a death-grip on that squirrel and no amount of cajoling or bribing him with treats was working, so I put on rubber gloves and pried his mouth open.  To do this I was very close to the dead squirrel and the smell and site of squirrel guts was over-whelming.  I dry-heaved several times in the process, but finally pried the squirrel out of Chili Dawg’s mouth and threw it on the ground.   I disposed of most of the squirrel pieces before one final heave told me that I had reached my limit.  My husband (watching from the porch) saw that I could go no further and finished picking up the last bit of squirrel guts from the sidewalk.    I spent the next half hour sitting on the porch washing Chili Dawg’s face and brushing his teeth.

Still naked under my coat.

And that was the most disgusting thing that I’ve ever done.

© 2010, Funkidivagirl.com. All rights reserved. Republished only with permission.

I have the flu.

That sucks.

At least it’s not H1N1.

That’s a good thing.

Between winter break, my kids sick and now my flu, I’ve been in the house for 4 weeks.

That sucks.

But I don’t have to be anywhere else.

That’s a good thing.

I did have big plans to start a new exercise program and now I can’t.

That sucks.

Well, at least I really don’t feel like eating bad food.

That’s a good thing.

My husband has been out of town all week while I’m sick.

That sucks.

But he is working.

That’s a good thing.

Because my car is leaking coolant and needs to go in the shop.

That sucks.

So I am driving my husband’s car, since he’s out of town.

That’s a good thing.

Except his car is messy and I don’t know how to turn on the windshield wipers.

That sucks.

At least it hasn’t rained.

That’s a good thing.

But it did snow and got really icy and cold here in Atlanta.

That sucks.

However it looks like it’s warming up and the ice is melting.

That’s a good thing.

But I have the flu and I’m inside all day anyway.

That sucks. Being sick sucks.

Hey, I’m alive.

That’s a good thing.

© 2010, Funkidivagirl.com. All rights reserved. Republished only with permission.

I know it’s already the second week in January, but my kids were sick last week and out of school, so I’m only finally getting around to acknowledging the new year. So, HAPPY NEW YEAR! Have you made any New Year’s Resolutions? I haven’t and I don’t plan to, but I do like to use this time of year to reflect upon last year.  Thank God for my blog because I wouldn’t remember anything otherwise.

FUNKIDIVAGIRL HIGHLIGHTS FROM 2009:

I would say one of the biggest things that our family did in 2009 was get Chili Dawg in May, back when he was a tiny puppy. Since then he has brought so much joy (and chaos, to be truthful) into our lives. We love him to pieces.

As a family we took a couple of memorable vacations in 2009 to Disney World and Jane Fonda’s Forked Lightning Ranch in New Mexico.  Both trips were crazy fun.  I also managed a weekend get-away alone to Key Biscayne, something that I hope to do more of.

My family became food critics, by our own entitlement, and had tons of fun picking the best cupcakes in Atlanta (although, I don’t think I have eaten a cupcake since; I ate enough then for a lifetime).   My son even got local recognition as a real food critic when he ended up on the cover of Atlanta INtown.

My husband started his own social media marketing company, Everywhere.  It’s doing very well, but as everyone knows who has their own company, the hours are brutal.   2009 was a struggle in work/life balance in my house and I blogged about it; I hope that 2010 will be much better and we can find more quality time as a couple and family.

In October I attended my first blogger conference, Blogalicious, and I enjoyed it very much.  You have to understand that this is totally out of my comfort zone–networking is not my thing–so I am very proud of myself.

Not only did I get personal satisfaction out of attending Blogalicious, but contacts made there led to an invitation for me to go to Disney World for a media event.  This was probably the most exciting thing to happen to me professionally in 2009 as I felt that it validated my role as a blogger and social media influence.  And I had a ball and made new friends.  I hope that 2010 brings more opportunities like that.

Most of all in 2009 I have enjoyed connecting with you, dear readers.  From sharing Things I Like to exploring Deep Stuff, I love writing.  Thanks for reading Funkidivagirl.com and helping me to build an online community.  I hope that you stick around in 2010 and beyond; I promise that it will be a funki good time.

© 2010, Funkidivagirl.com. All rights reserved. Republished only with permission.

As my friend Darcie has so eloquently commented today on my last blog post,”tap, tap, is this thing on?”  Her funny way of saying that I have been MIA on my blog.  And she’s absolutely right…I disappeared on December 16th and just now got my house and mind cleared enough to blog again.  Christmas, while my favorite holiday, takes a lot out of me and frankly I don’t think that I have sat down long enough to blog until now.   My daughter is actually home sick, but DVR recordings of Spongebob Squarepants will keep her occupied long enough for me to write.

I know everyone is doing “happy new year” posts, but before I get to the new year I have to make sure Christmas is over and it’s still lingering in my house.  I am still finding bits and pieces of Christmas lying around the house that I’ve forgotten to put away.  The Christmas tree is still on the curb.  A few toys are still out because they haven’t found a home yet.  And the pine needle, oh the pine needles!  I’m sure that I’ll be finding pine needles until at least Easter.

Everyone in my house had a good Christmas because my kids mostly care about spending time together and we did plenty of that.  Christmas Eve was our big celebration because we traveled to my aunt’s house on Christmas Day; I cooked a big dinner and we decorated cookies and a gingerbread house like we do every year.

My favorite memory from Christmas morning was that my daughter wanted the family to open the gifts that she had made for us in sewing class–before she opened the gifts that Santa had left her.  She was more excited to give than receive!  That was really sweet and special.  My son too was excited for us to open his gifts as he went shopping all alone with his own money and was very proud of what he picked out.   He did a great job getting just the right present for everyone.  The kids got everything that they wanted for Christmas and even though we don’t normally exchange gifts, my husband surprised me with a new pair of my favorite jeans (he said since I worked my butt off making Christmas special for the family, he bought something for my butt ).

He also did something funny:  he bought me this card along with my gift.  The inside says “that would be nuts.”  When I got it I thought, um, okay, weird/inappropriate card to give your wife, but I didn’t want to seem ungrateful so I didn’t say anything and displayed it on our dresser.  A few days later my husband came to me to apologize because he finally noticed how crass the card really was.   When he picked it out, he thought it was funny because we always have squirrels in our attic wrecking havoc…he didn’t notice the, uh, enhanced anatomy on the squirrel.   My son and I had a good laugh at his mistake and my daughter kept asking, “what’s so funny?”

Something else my husband did was not so funny, but really annoying.  We had decided as a family to treat ourselves to an after-Christmas gift, a panini press.  We had seen the one we wanted in Williams-Sonoma and went to the mall specifically for that purpose, to buy the Breville Ikon Panini Press; isn’t it lovely?

However, while in the store my husband tweeted out a question about what brand of panini press to buy and he got a response from a few people to get a George Forman Grill instead.   Somehow he talked me into it.  I know; what was I thinking?  I won’t go into the arguing that ensued, but it turned out to be a big mistake and you know I let him know it!    I ended up going back to Williams-Sonoma the next day and getting the panini press that we were originally supposed to buy.  Peace was once again restored in our household and we have been making gloriously yummy paninis ever since.

Oh, but that peace was disrupted by a simple family game of Monopoly.   I knew better, I really did, than to play Monopoly with my husband.  We’re all competitive in this family, but something comes over my husband particularly when he is playing Monopoly that only can be described as manic.  He loses all sense of decorum and tries to win at all costs.  No life is spared.   I know this because no game of Monopoly that I have ever played with him has gone well or can even be described as being fun; torture is more like it.   This is how bad it gets: before we got married we played Monopoly and he was as tyrannical as he usually is, but I won that game.  Slaughtered him, is more like it.  I never wanted him to forget that defeat, so I wrote it on the top of the Monopoly box.  We have bought many new games over the years, but I cut out the box top and always transfer it to the newest game.  My son read the box top aloud before our latest game:

On May 7, 1993 Sherrelle and James played.  In the beginning James talked much “yang” and bought up all the properties except the yellow and green (he even owned Boardwalk).  However, Sherrelle had all the $ and all the railroads and utilities.  That was James’ downfall because he never passed “Go” and always land on railroads ($200 each time)!  Slowly he had to sell all of his many properties.  By this time Sherrelle had bought 3 hotels on her yellow property and the climax (and end) of the game came when James landed on a hotel property–he then owed Sherrelle $1150!  He was broke and Sherrelle won (he still owes her $680)!  Sherrelle also left the game with $5,700 in cash, property and hotels.  What a victory!  James called himself the “Monopoly King”, but who’s ruling now??  The rightful ruler, now and always, is SHERRELLE.  No matter what happens in future games, this will always go down in history as the night that Sherrelle let James know who was BOSS!!!

I don’t think my husband as ever forgotten that defeat and won’t rest until he reclaims his “Monopoly King” crown.  Needless to say, “family game night” didn’t end well….blood was shed, tears were spilled, voices were raised (okay, not blood, but the rest is true).  The game is retired to the top shelf of our laundry room and if we are smart, it will never be taken down again.  I think we will be safer playing Candyland or Hi Ho Cheerio…..maybe.

So there you have the highlights of my holiday season.  And we look so normal, don’t we?

© 2010 – 2011, Funkidivagirl.com. All rights reserved. Republished only with permission.

It’s Halloween and while I am not a big fan of the holiday (I don’t do spooky), I love the CANDY that trick-or-treating brings.  I’m not one of those mothers who restrict candy; I mean, that would be very hypocritical saying “No candy!” through a mouthful of Swedish Fish.   On Halloween I’m all for dressing up my kids and using them to bring home the loot; it’s one of the perks of having kids because for some reason people frown upon grown adults begging for candy door-to-door.  Now that they are older my kids are hip to the ole “mommy has to check the candy” trick, but still they mostly share with me (or I steal it when they go to school, same difference).  Over the years I have found that cute costumes bring in more candy.  Look at these 3 martial arts experts; wouldn’t you hand over a full-sized candy bar if they rang your doorbell?

This is the secret weapon; Chili Dawg is sure to guarantee 2 fistfuls of candy at each stop.

My daughter has been sick this week, so she might no be able to go trick-or-treating if it’s raining or really cold.  If that is the case, then I have to keep the candy that I bought for myself (Starbusts and Skittles) and turn out the porch light like I’m not home.  I’m sure there’s plenty more candy out there for those neighborhood kids.

One of my favorite children’s books is Jerry Seinfeld’s Halloween–now that’s a man who understands the beauty of Halloween candy.  The book is hilarious; when I read it my daughter I can barely get the words out because I’m laughing so hard.   We just listened to the audio cd and even though Jerry’s delivery is much better than mine, still my daughter doesn’t laugh much.  She likes the book, but doesn’t think it is hysterical like I do.  I think that’s because although Halloween is a children’s book, the humor is so nostalgic of the trick-or-treating days of yore, back when I was a kid, that she just can’t relate.  I remember those flimsy costumes and plastic masks!  And well, it’s Jerry Seinfeld and you’ve got to like his brand of humor to think it’s funny; I’m a big fan.  My daughter thinks Captain Underpants is funny; do you see a disconnect here?

If you get a chance, pick up a copy of Jerry’s Seinfeld’s Halloween and have a good laugh–preferably while holding a Snickers bar in one hand and Gummy Bears in the other.   Mmmm…..candy.

© 2009, Funkidivagirl.com. All rights reserved. Republished only with permission.