Struggling With Work/Life Balance

Filed Under Best of Funkidivagirl.com, Deep Stuff on May 26, 2009

keyinfluencer@funkidivagirl Just hit me with the reality check that my Work/Life balance game is not tight. Time to make some changes–Yikes

This was a tweet that my husband sent this morning…after the, ahem, “discussion” we had. I imagine that we are not alone and it’s a constant battle for most people, balancing work and home life. Years ago my family was featured on 20/20 about this very subject. We got excited calls from around the country, “Hey, we saw you on television!”, but were they not listening to what we were saying on TV? Yes, we had an adorable son. Yes, my husband had a glamorous career. Yes, we lived a financially comfortable existence. Yes, we were on 20/20. But it wasn’t good, our life.

At the time my husband was an executive at Columbia Records, a position that 3 years prior caused us to pack up our apartment and newborn son and move across the country from California to New York. It was big move literally, financially and emotionally. We were leaving friends who were like family to us and moving to a place where we barely knew a soul. But with our plans for me to be a stay-at-home mom, a huge career defining position and double our combined salaries, we thought it was a golden opportunity that couldn’t be passed up.

To say our life changed overnight is an understatement; my husband walked off the plane in NYC and hit the ground running. Adjusting from a work environment in Los Angeles to one in New York was huge; I like to say that people in L.A. try to work as little as possible, while people in NYC try to work as much as possible. I’m being funny because of course people in L.A. work hard, but the culture of the city is also about enjoying the sun and surf. If they can make the money and still make the beach before sunset, why not? Back in L.A. a late night working meant about 8:00 p.m. and it was rare; in NYC it meant about 10:00 p.m. and it was often–then a bus commute home. In L.A. we took strolls around the block after work and dinner; in NYC I never saw my husband before 11:00 p.m. And I was alone, with a new baby, in a strange city, without friends or family nearby.

My husband adjusted to the grueling work schedule, I adjusted to to not having him around and sadly we both adjusted to doing our own thing. He made a life for himself at work and I made a life for myself at home making friends, getting involved in the community and tending to my baby boy. It worked, but dysfunctionally. I don’t know how to get ahold of the 20/20 episode to show you, but we do not sound happy on there; I talk about how resentful I am and he talks about how stressed he is. It was a recipe for disaster and that’s what happened, disaster.

Fast forward many years to this morning and here we are again. Trade NYC for Atlanta, record executive for digital media influencer, a baby boy for two active growing kids and it’s a different scene, but the same movie. It’s still a struggle to make it all work, although as evidenced by my husband’s tweet, he’s much wiser for the wear and not willing to let us get very far off-track without taking action. The fear of what happened before is too great and too real to take this subject lightly.

I’m sure we’re not the only family who struggles with balancing a productive and happy home life with building a career. What does your family do to make sure that you are still connected and growing together, despite the demands of work? How do you strive to give the best to both your family and your career without having either suffer?

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I love the question first, let me say that but my answer starts with another question, can there be “balance” between work and home life with out sacrifice? If I thought the answer to that quesiton was yes then life would be grand but as a single mother of 5 I’ve had to choose where I need balance most and because I have achieved balance in those areas I have had to consciously sacrifice in other areas of my own personal life.

I am fortunate on that I literally work right across the street from my home (so the gas crisis didn’t really hit me that hard -sorry yall) and I am lucky that I don’t have a position that takes me away through travel or work that I have to bring home, it starts and ends with my scheduled work hours, thats great, but with home life there comes the time consumption. I have four adopted children and when my youngest daughter reached 8, things started to get better with independence and the such but now I have a 6 month old and now everyone is jocking for position and attention and the baby doesn’t have to anything but just be and as a mom I am literally split in 5 different directions and I make it happen! At the end of every day, with different attitudes and stroking egoes and reassuring and combing hair, going to practice, making two to three games sometimes in a day and working on Saturdays, buying sneakers frequently because my son is hard on them and so on and so on….. I yern for the “Calgon Take Me Away” moments BUT that is my sacrifice, me!

I have the “single parent” balance or as much as we can have with regard to family life and work but as a single woman, well I have sadly conceded that at this moment I can’t have it all. I don’t remember the last time I went out with a group of friends and the last movie I saw alone was American Gangster, the kids are always in toe where ever I go.
So I don’t have a total package of balance but I never miss work and I make my kids feel as if I am always present and my baby still reaches for me over the nanny and at this point that is what I have come to prioritize in my life.

One day I will make it to true balance but for now, and I mean as I type this now, I am happy with the “balance” I have.

Great discussion. I am clueless. I am interested to see what other people say. Thanks for being so honest and open.

Great topic!

Balance starts in the mind. We laugh and joke and are silly with one another and really don’t take the other too seriously. This helps when we are at our wits end and are stuck in a rut.

We do weekly checkups (the Hubs and I) where, years ago, we established what our needs were, and then we check with each other to be sure that those needs are in fact being met.

As a wife, I don’t say yes to anything that I know will make the Hubs uncomfortable or put him in a stressful seat…like inviting people unannounced over for dinner and expecting him after a 15 hour day to “entertain”….silly example, but the point is that what I do is motivated by love for my spouse.

We do a few things that are the norm:

We pray and read the bible together. We find that our connection to God brings us together as a family. We look to please God, and as a byproduct of our love and reverence for Him, and the work it takes to have a successful marriage, it works

We eat dinner together every night…
if for some reason, we can’t, we make it breakfast the next am or as soon as possible on the weekend.

We travel at least 2 times a year on a big trip, and little trips here and there.

We do not go to bed angry. It may not mean that we resolve the issue at hand, but we acknowledge that there is a problem and then we choose to talk then or later.

Balance is thinking of each other for us. It works. Work, life, church and everything else pulls at us, but at the end of the day, all we have is each other to sleep next to. Now that the kidlet is here, we make an effort to have that same time for us that we crave (2 y/o, enough said)

I remember that 20/20 episode, cousin lol

Glad you are where you are now

Paulette: Yes, you are right, I do think that there has to be some sacrifice in any situation where you are living with and trying to be in relation with another human being–children and/or husband. In your situation as a single mom and putting your kids first, that is your sacrifice (yourself). But, it sounds like you do it joyfully and gracefully–knowing that it is a moment in time. That is a blessing.

MommaWheel: I know how hard you and your husband work to think of each other and make your marriage strong. Yes, I think having God in the center of our marriage is the real key. You had a good foundation before your baby came along and that has helped you keep parenting in the proper perspective (after your marriage). I like the weekly check-ups idea!

Thanks for sharing.

This matter has been on my mind for awhile now. It’s apparent to me that I will be successful. It is also apparent to me that my journey, for now, is filled with long moments of solitude. I work hard and make lots of moves, but most of those moves are solo. I’ve been living in this city for more than 2 years, have not formed what I deem to be a true friendship, and have not been in a relationship for appx 4 years.

However, I realize that had I been attached to anyone during this time, whether friendship or romantic relationship, there’s no way I would have been able to accomplish everything I have.

My concern is for the future. I would love to share my life with someone, but I wonder if I will meet someone who will be able to understand my hectic and sometimes spontaneous schedule. I wonder if I will be able to raise a family with this lifestyle. I wonder if I will sacrifice my passion for my kids.

Thank you for sharing this. Although the situation is not quite the same, it helped me to see your situation from your point of view.

See you on twitter!

Great post and comments. You guys are definitely not alone. I think it takes great compromise and communication to “balance” work and family. And unfortunately some sacrifice.

Kudos to you both for staying on top of it – you pulling his coat and him listening!

Winks & Smiles,
Wifey

Okay I just discovered this blog today thanks to your husband’s tweet and I absolutely love it. This work/life post is great and I appreciate your openness. You say disaster… what happened? Clearly it wasn’t divorce which it what I would deem a disaster. I really enjoyed reading your blog and can’t believe I just spent over an hour doing so! Back to work. And big-up!

theHotnessGrrrl: I’m glad you enjoyed my blog and I hope you keep reading (outside of work)! Disaster did not equal divorce, but damn near (also, living together and not “on the same page” is just as bad).

Eboni: I understand your concerns for your future and they are well-founded. All I would say is that sometimes life puts new passions in your path that you didn’t even dream of (perhaps in the form of a husband and/or kids). But, still it is a balancing act and I think it is great that you are aware of the changes/sacrifices/challenges now.

Great post! How did I miss this?

[...] not factual details but meaningful stories.” Whether I am writing about Disney World, my marriage, Henry Louis Gates or the best cupcakes, I aim to do it with passion, transparency and [...]

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My name is Funkidivagirl, but I've been known to answer to Sherrelle Kirkland-Andrews. I am a writer, wife, mother, pseudo-hippy and non-southern reluctant Atlantan. I dig traveling, reading and challenging myself to try new things. My favorite thing to do is laugh and I try to make that happen every day. CHECK ME OUT.

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